A goat is a goat unless of course the goat is…..

not a milk goat but is instead a wild crazed meat goat that you are trying to milk. Seriously where do I get these wild ideas that this would be fun?

Ha! If you haven’t already guessed I REALLY want a milk goat. Well technically two milk goats because they need friends. But technically we probably shouldn’t raise goats in our neighborhood, though I don’t think anyone would notice or mind. Dear Lord, please let a free trained milk goat show up on my front porch? Thanks.

But honestly, if I keep going at the break neck scattered speed I am going at right now, I really don’t have time for milking goats. Somethings gotta give if that’s gonna be a reality. I’m working on it.

But two days ago I found out a friend had some meat goats, one that had lost her babies and the others who will have the babies taken to auction this week and are still in milk. This was my chance I thought!

Kevin agreed I should try it and so I valiantly got up and prepared all the equipment I needed to milk:

Stainless steel bucket, strip cup, udder wash, towels, a strainer, container to hold the milk with ice to chill it, water for me, and shoes I could get dirty and smelly. I was prepared.

Or so I thought.

I arrived and Rick helped me lure the goats down from the pasture and get them where I could catch the one who was in pain because her babies were stolen. This is the moment I realized these goats were a) wild and b) had no interest in being milked. Joyous. I finally coaxed the girl over and lassoed her with my makeshift rope lead and then proceeded to try to convince her to walk with me like a good little goat should. Hahaha.

Rick finally suggested I grab her by the horns which I finally resorted to and quite literally muscled this goat to the pen. At this point I am skeptical this is going to work but she looks so miserable (and I am so obnoxiously determined to have goats milk) that I continue. Get her tied up and eating grain….Dani- 1….Goat- 0.

Now remember…I’ve milked a goat a grand total of once in my life. For like 5 minutes top with a goat that stood still. How hard can it be right? They have babies they must be used to these things being sucked on 24/7, should be a piece of cake. But this goat was  not having it. She gagged herself, pretended to throw up, fussed, and kicked at me the whole time I was running around with my very clean stainless steel pail trying to milk her. I finally resorted to just trying to milk her without the pail and got a little better response. As in 2 squeezes of milk.

This is Mary Pat and one of the goats from a while ago….see those horns? At this point I have a ticked goat, no milk and those horns tempting to gore into my leg with full force.

I finally gave up and released her. And then proceeded to lasso the only goat without horns!

This one I coerced into the cow sanction which worked to hold her head as long as I held her head down and milked with the other hand. Onto the ground.

5 squeezes.

I’m feeling successful.

She gets full of grain and proceeds to push me out of the way never to return.

And I release her…..never to return.

Note to self. Buy a goat trained to milk and a milk stand.

p.s. self: You’re crazy and awesome all wrapped up in one. Don’t let the enemy beat you up. If nothing else people get a kick out of reading the insane things you think are fun to try.

p.p.s. take more pictures.